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 The Legend of Fail

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Cajun Canine

Posts : 1101
Join date : 2010-01-13
Age : 26
Location : Georgia, USA

PostSubject: The Legend of Fail   Mon Jan 18, 2010 11:36 pm

One day in the kingdom of Hyrule, the King was horridly making preparations. Tonight many royal guests and celebrities were coming over for a feast.

The King sat at the dinner table anxiously awaiting the feast. He had been waiting for over three hours for the feast to begin. He started banging the cutlery on the table outraged. A subservient boy named Link sat at the table too.

“When the hell are you kitchen slaves going to finish cooking? I want to eat now damn you people… I want to feast now!” the King moaned angrily.

Link heard the word feast and suddenly yelled gleefully “Oh boy! A feast!”.

The King commented annoyed with his currently only companion “Yes. I know a feast… How the hell can you not know about it already you twit? It’s been announced for over a month!”

Link repeated again at the sound of the word excitedly “Oh boy! A feast!”

“Oh god help me… This is gonna be a long night… Uuugh… And Dinner… I wonder what’s for dinner.” The King said staring at his chubby gut thoughtfully pondering on the delicacies he could gorge it with.

“Dinner? Dinner! Oh boy! I’m so hungry I could eat an octorok!” Link said overjoyed.

The King’s stomach grumbled. The King patted his beer belly and it jiggled for a few seconds. He turned to Link who was sitting across the table.

“Link mah boy. Fetch’eth me a bottle of our kingdom’s finest wine.”

Link stared at the King blankly and a silly grin suddenly formed on his face.

“Your majesty I’ve always been told I’m not old enough to handle wine. The servants and all of the people in town all yell when they see me walking by so they can close their stores before I can go in and touch stuff.”

The King stared at Link angrily in frustration his face flushing red and contorting with building rage at the disobedience of the subordinate. He heard someone beside him approach.

“Zelda is that you?” he asked the mystery person.

“Yes.” She replied.

“Good. Zelda go and bring me back a bottle of wine…” the king said without turning his head away from Link.

“But father!” she protested loudly.

“Zelda.” The king insisted in his demands.

“But father!” Zelda protested more.

Growing annoyed the king told her “Zelda…”.

“But father!” she yelled louder at him.

The King screamed in violent rage at his daughter “ZELDA!”.

“But father! You have already drunk five bottles of wine. You’re already wasted!” Zelda yelled at him in frustration while staring at all of these empty bottles on the table and broken shards of glass lying at his feet.

“Zelda! No buts! Your father needs wine! Bring me it now damn you. Bring me some wine now or else Impa gets to sleep in your bed and you in the servant’s quarters!” the King screamed at her turning and throwing a bottle at her feet.

“Aaggh. Fine….” Zelda groaned displeased.

Impa was working in the kitchen preparing many of the dishes all by herself. Suddenly she heard the king screaming at Zelda something about her getting to sleep in her bed. Impa’s ears perked up at hearing this. A glimmer of hope shimmered in her eye. Next thing she heard was Zelda giving in.

“Damn &*(&^…” Impa muttered to herself angrily in disappointment before hacking something up and spitting it into the soup.

Zelda retrieved the wine hurriedly and brought it back to her father. He saw her coming and started screaming at her to bring at faster. When she got to the table he snatched it from her hand and pulled off the cork.

“Ah. There we go. That’s better now.” The king said to himself.

The king poured wine into his golden goblet. He raised it to his lips and it dribbled down his face. Realizing he had not gotten any wine down his throat during his last attempt he threw the goblet across the room and snatched the bottle. Disoriented he proceeded to lift it to his face to take a swig and the bottle slipped from his hand shattering on the floor.

“Huh? What just happened? Who my do be did that?” he said confused.

The king got up to look for more wine and slipped on the floor landing among the glass. Standing up he looked at his chest and saw the red wine stained on his robes. The wasted king had a retarded thought at this moment. He turned and saw Zelda looking down at him in horror.

“You did tha? Assassin! Link! Attack him for breaking mah wine and stabbing me! I’m gonna die! I’m bleeding to death! I didn’t even know I been stabbed!”

“What? You fell on your own silly king. And that’s just Zelda. She’s your daughter, remember?” Link said laughing at him unaware the King was serious.

“You won’t kill him? I’ll do it myself! Fool!” the king told him standing up shakily with great effort.

The king started to run after Zelda himself and slipped on the floor again.

“Oh my god! Are you okay!?” Zelda screeched horrified.

“Hehehehhehehheheheh.” Giggled and laughed heartily the king for no apparent reason at all before passing out.

“Oh no! The king is dead!” Link panicked.

“He’s not dead you idiot! He’s just out cold.” Zelda scolded him.

“What are we going to do? There’s a public feast here in an hour!” Link reminded her frightened.

“Well we can’t just let everybody see him like this! It’ll ruin his public image!” Zelda yelled at him.

“Our king has a good public image to hold?” Link asked surprised. “Oh! I know! Grab his legs!” he commanded her.

“Okay. What now?...” she inquired after doing so.

“Now let’s put him under the table.” He instructed.

“We’re putting him under the table!? Link! Be serious!” said Zelda bitterly chewing him out.

“Well excuuuuuse me princess! But unless you’re willing to climb the two hundred step staircase to the king’s royal chamber with a three hundred pound king in tow we’re putting him under the table.” He argued back determined that his half assed-approach is supreme.

“I see your logic.” Zelda said agreeing.

At this point in their conversation the king’s lifeless corpse was flung underneath the stone royal dining table.

The End

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The Legend of Fail

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