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Biffo
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PostSubject: Lewis's Diary   Mon Sep 19, 2011 1:11 pm

Hello! Lewis here, a kind soul located not too far away from you! If you know me, (which you don't), you'd know that I have some trouble finding jobs that really stick, you know? But now, thanks to this wonderful site, I can share my tales of joy and woe, as I strive to find my perfect job. Here's one for you here, where I had a stab at being a children's entertainer for a while back in March.


March 11th - KIDS ENTERTAINER

I’ve got a new job as a children’s entertainer called Kaptain Kornball. It hasn’t been cheap, but I’ve bought some really great props. My favourite is a brown paper bag full of flour, which I shall burst over the head of unruly children. I also have a red plastic whistle, which I shall blow at irregular intervals, and a basket, in which I shall place shoes and stuff to offer to the children.



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March 12th - KIDS ENTERTAINER

Entertaining children isn’t the big laugh you’d expect. Some of these little brats are so ungrateful, you wouldn’t believe it. Take my booking last night for instance. Before arriving, I’d popped in the butcher’s to pick myself up some pork tongue. Anyway, at the house, I asked the birthday boy to reach into my magic sack to retrieve a special gift. How was I to know that I’d gotten my pork tongue and the boy’s present mixed up? The noise he made was appalling.



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March 13th - KIDS ENTERTAINER

I’m endevering to broaden the range of my act by including magic tricks. One of my tricks is called The Power Of Scrone. I project 8mm cinefootage of myself sitting motionless in an armchair onto the screen, and order the children to chant the word "Scrone" repeatedly. I then hide behind the screen. At the correct moment, I burst through the screen and rush forward towards the children, knocking the projector onto the floor. It’s a kind of magic!



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March 14th - KEEPING THE KIDDIES HAPPY

I’m getting quite disillusioned with life as a children’s entertainer. If I get one more parent having a go at me for swearing when I set my trousers on fire, I shall go mad. Why can’t these people realise that the combination of fire and profanity is going to leave these kids with a far more significant memory than something like Pingu? All I’m trying to do is entertain, but these squares just don’t wanna know.



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March 16th - KEEPING THE KIDDIES HAPPY

I have come to the conclusion that my venture into entertainment has been a failure due to my audience. The youths constant crying as I leap about waving my fists has put me completely out of my stride. Thus I am compelled to aim for an older and more discerning audience. I intend to perform much the same routine as I have thus far, but I intend to pepper it with four-letter words, and project powerful adult images onto the background.




Last edited by Biffo on Thu Sep 22, 2011 12:24 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Lewis's Diary   Wed Sep 21, 2011 8:56 am



I've got a new job working in a robot hire shop, called "Super Robots". We have all types of robot here at Super Robots, from big robots, to small robots, to other sorts of robots. Last night we hired one of our robots out to a Duke, who wanted the robot to entertain his guests at a garden party.

Unfortunately, I hadn't realised that the Duke was planning to release the robot into the woods, whereupon he set a tiger upon it. This was a flagrant disregard of Super Robots' hire policy.

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September - ROBOT HIRE SHOP

Here at Super Robots Ltd. we have robots for all sorts of occassions. Yesterday, we hired one of our robot vicars to a couple who wanted it to marry them. Unfortunately, the robot misunderstood it's instructions, and instead tried to "worry them".

During the marriage service, the robot went berserk, tearing it's own arms off, and kicking over a pew. The couple tried to flee the church, but the robot blocked their path and destroyed part of the ceiling with it's in-built gattling laser cannon. Later, the robot exploded during the disco.

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September - ROBOT HIRE SHOP

Yesterday I hired a couple of robots out to a country fair. Unfortunately, the robots were used on a "Throw A Sponge At The Robots" stall. When the water got inside their wiring, they ended up going berserk.

Firstly, they activated their weapon systems, destroying a small church, and blowing chunks out of the graveyard with their laser-targeted missiles. Then they went amok in the vegetable tent, mixing the vegetables up, and muttering insults at anyone who tried to stop them.

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September - ROBOT HIRE SHOP

I've had a complaint from one of the customers who alleges that a kitchen droid I hired out ran amok in her kitchen. Apparently the robot, XP-56, ruined her gazpacho by adding curry powder, and burst three cartons of milk in the fridge with his super-powerful teflon fists.

I tried to joke that she was lucky XP-56 didn't burst her head, but she seemed to take offence at this and threatened to sue. At this point XP-56 emerged from the showroom and tried to burst her head. She escaped with a broken nose, and minor bruising.
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PostSubject: Re: Lewis's Diary   Thu Sep 22, 2011 12:23 pm

September - MR SPACE ROBOT

The robot hire shop was forced to be closed after an extensive amount of sueing. The police showed up and began demolishing the place and set fire to the robots. However, I managed to escape with one of them as I escaped through the back window. The robot’s name is Mr Space Robot. I quite like having Mr Space Robot around, as he reminds me of my dead Uncle. Repeatedly, as it happens - he just doesn’t shut up. Actually, I’ve decided I don’t like this aspect of Mr Space Robot, as he speaks in a ridiculous sibulant whine.

Mr Space Robot has other uses, though. For instance, I might decide to programme him to cook for me, or defend my bin. I just don’t know yet, I might even decide to destroy him myself.

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September- MR SPACE ROBOT

Living with a malfunctioning droid called Mr Space Robot is crazy; I just never know what is going to happen next! Last night Mr Space Robot brought me my bed time "cocoa". What it turned out to be was the ingredients of cocoa - nuts, chocolate, ice cream and sap - broken down into their separate components.

At least, that’s what Mr Space Robot said before he threw the entire concoction at me. Mr Space Robot then went out of control, and fell out the window.

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September - MR SPACE ROBOT

I had to lock Mr Space Robot in a cupboard last night, as I had a relative coming for tea. Mr Space Robot wasn’t having any of it, though, and repeatedly hammered on the cupboard door, and emitted a loud buzzing sound whenever my guest enquired as to what was going on.

Things took a turn for the worse when he got up to leave, and Mr Space Robot burst from the cupboard, and tried to pull his jumper up. I knew I shouldn’t have let him upload that pornography...

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Sepetember - MR SPACE ROBOT

My house guest, Mr Space Robot, has malfunctioned and wants to kill me. I first knew things were wrong last night when he threw himself into the bath while I was washing my back. Thankfully, he didn't short-circuit, but he did smash a hole in the bottom of the bath.

Later, as I insisted that Mr Space Robot pay for the damage to the bath, he went beserk and attacked me. Luckily the blows were deflected by the suit of armour I happened to be wearing at the time.
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PostSubject: Re: Lewis's Diary   Thu Sep 22, 2011 11:05 pm

Lol did I mention you're awesome.


and I'm sorry I don't say any real response to anything u say its just that honestly everything you say is so goddamn awesome I have no response.


Like who the aborted son of a sea monkey is Lewis lol and you're writing a Diary about him and you don't even care that no ones reading it!


Seal=Win
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PostSubject: Re: Lewis's Diary   Fri Sep 23, 2011 2:57 pm

Gr33n wrote:
Lol did I mention you're awesome.


and I'm sorry I don't say any real response to anything u say its just that honestly everything you say is so goddamn awesome I have no response.


Like who the aborted son of a sea monkey is Lewis lol and you're writing a Diary about him and you don't even care that no ones reading it!


Seal=Win

       \
Who are you calling a sea monkey, man? If I was in the same room as you I'd punch you in the mouth.
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PostSubject: Re: Lewis's Diary   Sun Sep 25, 2011 2:06 pm

September - LOST PROPERTY

To get away from Mr. Space Robot, I've started working in a lost property office. So far it'sthe best job ever! We have some real fun with people that come in here, let me tell you. For instance, last night a guy came in looking for his lost cloak. We knew we had his cloak, but we wound him up by holding up things like a lost spoke, and a lost coat. Actually, after a while he started getting really annoyed, and began kicking the skirting board. It was at this point we showed him his cloak, but I accidentally dropped it in the fire.

September - LOST PROPERTY

Last night, Someone brought in a dolphin that had been found on the Piccadilly line. We didn’t know what to do with it first; the poor thing had obviously been out of water for some time and was begging to shrivel up. My colleague tried to make the dolphin wet by throwing his coffee over it, but this just seemed to agitate the dolphin and it began making a loud clicking sound with it’s mouth. At this point we decided that it might actually be a bomb, and had the beast destroyed.

September - LOST PROPERTY

Last night someone brought in a box marked "Danger - radioactive waste". At first we weren’t sure what to do, but then my colleague deduced that the words were clearly a ruse and a way of disguising the true contents of the box. To be sure, I made him look inside and search through the grey sludge therein for some sort of stolen gem or something. When he didn’t find anything, I made him eat some sludge as punishment. His hair and teeth fell out, but otherwise he was fine.
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PostSubject: Re: Lewis's Diary   Thu Sep 29, 2011 5:35 pm

THIS DIARY o3o is a diary. XD Lololol.It reminds me of back when you had your art thread and you'd post random updates in a journal like fashion that had nothing to do with your pictures.

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PostSubject: Re: Lewis's Diary   Thu Sep 29, 2011 5:54 pm

      \
Biffo mentioned to me that those were simpler times, and that he has moved onto different "things". I'm not really sure what type of "things" are, but they're probably illegal.
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