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 Wario's Terrible Crimes

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Laclipsey
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PostSubject: Wario's Terrible Crimes   Tue Aug 31, 2010 3:26 am

Before reading this, there is one thing about these stories you should know. And that is that you have stumbled upon the biggest piece of crap ever to be written by the hands of middle-schoolers. For a number of reasons.
One, these stories are NOT supposed to be well-written. My friend and I wrote these back in middle school and we still have a good laugh over them to this day because they're so badly written, so we decided we'd risk eternal shame by showing them to you guys here. To preserve the integrity and possible hilarity of the original handwritten stories, each spelling error has been painstakingly reproduced on the computer to match the originals.
Two, these stories are extremely repetitive and most of them progress in pretty much the same way, with only slight variations setting one apart from the next. There are exceptions, of course. While many of them are stupid and terrible and have no direction whatsoever, some of the later ones actually have somewhat of a story.
Keep in mind that these stories are really just a series of inside jokes. The following character list will clue you in on what's "funny." I just hope you guys find it funny.
Oh, and Wario fans? I am so sorry.

Characters:

Name: Wario
Gender: Male
Height: 4’ 11”
Weight: Unfathomable
Race: Human… We think.
Hometown: Mushroom Kingdom
Description: He’s fat, he’s greedy, and he has a bad case of gas. Wario’s back and up to no good. With an interest in finding real treasure as well as fake items, he’s prepared to do anything to get what he wants.

Name: Interviewer
Gender: Male
Height: 5'9
Weight: 125 lbs
Race: Human
Hometown: New York
Description: An Interviewer named Interviewer... His parents musta have been on something when they named him. Although his occupation is labeled "Interviewer," he seems to do anything BUT interviewing, even going so far as to have control of the army. Interviewer is Wario's nemesis. He hates Wario with a burning passion and will stop at nothing until Wario is brought to justice... Even if it's the last thing he does... He is obsessed!

Name: Mario and Luigi
Gender: Male and male
Height: 4’ 11” and 5’ 4”
Weight: 138 lbs. and 127 lbs.
Race: Human and human
Hometown: Mushroom Kingdom
Description: A couple of happy-go-lucky plumbers that just can’t seem to hold on to their lucky pennies. Fond of pointing out the obvious.

Name: Princess Peach (aka Toadstool)
Gender: Female
Height5’8”
Weight: None of your business!!
Race: Human
Hometown: Mushroom Kingdom
Description: The sweet little princess herself. Never wanting to cause harm to anyone, and is always at peace... Aw, who am I kidding? Although it may not appear to be so, Peach is the most violent individual when it comes to Wario, sometimes being the cause of Wario's near demise, whether using her umbrella or a shotgun, she is a powdered keg!

Name: Yoshi
Gender: Variable
Height: 5’
Weight: 164 lbs.
Race: Dinosaur
Hometown: Yoshi’s Island
Description: A cute dino with a bad sailor mouth. When he isn’t cussing out Wario for doing something bad, he’s usually hanging out with his good buddies Mario and Luigi.

Name: Bowser (aka King Koopa)
Gender: Male
Height:8’ 5”
Weight: 600 lbs
Race: Koopa (aka Dragon, Dinosaur, Turtle)
Hometown: Bowser's Kingdom
Description: The evil King and enemy of Mario. Usually keeping up with the news of Wario, with either commending the act or disapproving (most of the time). Doesn't say much other than "Roar" Unless he is with his wine drinking buddy Ganondorf, in which he'll happily share some drunken conversations.

Name: Link
Gender: Male
Height: 5’ 8”
Weight:135 lbs
Race: Hylian
Hometown: Hyrule
Description: Not much can be said about Link. He's the hero of Hyrule, dates Zelda, doesn't say much (Hiya!!) and like everyone else, hates Wario. That's about it.

Name: Princess Zelda
Gender: Female
Height: 5’ 9”
Weight: None of your business
Race: Hylian
Hometown: Hyrule
Description: A kind princess who is thankful to live out her days relatively undisturbed by the likes of Wario, except when he manages to find his way into Hyrule for a dance night or just by accident, in which her castle is promptly destroyed.

Name: Ganondorf
Gender: Male
Height: 6’ 2”
Weight: 210 lbs.
Race: Gerudo
Hometown: Hyrule
Description: A drunken villain who doesn’t really care about what Wario does one way or the other. He generally keeps to his own devices, except when he visits with his drinking buddy Bowser. Unbeknownst to almost everyone, he’s a great dancer when he’s drunk.

Name: Samus Aran
Gender: Female
Height: 5’ 9”
Weight: None of your business
Race: Human
Hometown: Mining Planet K-2L
Description: An intergalactic bounty hunter with astronomically low standards. Prone to losing her dates during dating events. The delusional Wario once claimed she is his mom, but he soon forgot about it just in time to take her to the prom.

Name: Captain Falcon
Gender: Male
Heigth:6' 0
Weight: 180 lbs
Race: Human
Hometown: Port Town
Description: Full of pride... but not about his prowess as a racer or a bounty hunter, but about his good looks. Constantly looking in the mirror and commenting on his "sexiness" Falcon doesn't pay much attention to anything but his looks... And maybe something that Wario did, but not much.

Name: Donkey Kong
Gender: Male
Height:7’
Weight: 450 lbs
Race: Gorilla
Hometown: Kong Isle
Description: The great ape himself. Has a natural hatred towards Wario (like everyone else) and is happy to pop him in the face any chance he gets. Also has a habit of bringing up embarrassing pasts, and should not be singing... ever!

Name: Toad
Gender: Male (supposedly)
Height: 3’
Weight: 50 lbs
Race: Toad
Hometown: Mushroom Kingdom
Description: The short, intelligent, and somewhat of a wimpy servant of the Princess. He Owns the Nintendo College, and a Mushroom field... Both of which were destroyed by Wario. Toad has a habit of crying like a little baby.

Name: Timotee Beefcroft
Gender: Male
Height: 5’ 7”
Weight: Scientists estimate 1,000 lbs.
Race: Tim
Hometown: A toilet or something
Description: What can be said for this hopeless man? Nothing. He speaks for himself. “Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha-”

Name: Professor “Ow-Guy” Crumb
Gender: Male
Height: 3’ 1”
Weight: 78 lbs.
Description: The professor from Warioland 4. This little guy is always getting beaten up by Wario. Frequently says “ow.” Hence, the name.

Name: Jarigio
Gender: Male
Height:4’ 9”
Weight:130 lbs
Race: Human
Hometown: Mushroom Kingdom
Description: The Youngest lost brother of Mario and Luigi. Also the most timid, has poor luck and always finds himself
in the wrong place at the wrong time.... Not even kidding.


Last edited by Laclipsey on Tue Aug 31, 2010 3:29 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Wario's Terrible Crimes   Tue Aug 31, 2010 3:26 am

Chapter 1: The Horribleness of Wario

No one likes Wario. He's a fat, greedy, rude, obese, not particularly intelligent, fatty mess of fatness who picks his fat nose. He's committed countless crimes in the name of greed and gluttony, some of which are too horrible to be mentioned, and at every turn he utters the same “It's not my fault! Heh heh heh!” despite all evidence to the contrary.
Nevertheless I have deemed it necessary to put together a collection of my most telling recorded interviews with this bruised-bootied wonder. Not because Wario needs any more evidence against him (because there's certainly an abundance of that already) but because there are so many that I would never get around to talking about them all in a court case.
My name is Interviewer, and my job is to um... interview people. I've been hired to interview and arrest Wario by pretty much every country.
Except Czechoslovakia, they don't really care about him one way or another.

-Interviewer-

Wario Blows up a Pyramid Just to Find a Penny!

“It's not my fault! Heh heh heh!” says greedy Wario.
“Oh, yeah?” says the interviewer. Then what is that @)#*% red stick of dynamite doing behind the pyramid?”
“That's Mario,” says Wario.
“But the penny had Luigi on it!”
“I know. It's Luigi's lucky penny.”
Peach: “Lucky Penny? I want one of those!”
Yoshi: “Yoshi!”
Bowser: “Roaarrr!”
Wario: “Ooh, a fake ruby!”
Interviewer: “Don't try to change the subject!”
Wario: “I'm not!”
Peach: “Yeah, right!”
Wario: “I diddn't do it!”
Interviewer: “Oh, yes you did!”
Wario: “Did not!”
Interviewer: “Did, too!”
Wario: “All right! But that was last week!”
Interviewer: “Tell someone who cares. What matters is you did it!”
Wario: “Oh, please arrest me! No! No! Don't do that!”
Interviewer: “Police!”
Wario: “I think I'll do a little nose-cleaning.”
Police: “Wario?!”
Wario: “Yes! It's me!
*Hop! Slam!*
Wario: “Butt slam. Always good for a bruised booty!”


Wario Blows up a Castle Just to Find a Penny!

Interviewer: “Hello, Wario. Remember me? OUCH!”” Jeez! The interviewer? Ow! Your Butt slam just about killed me! Look at me! I'm a wreck! I heard you blew up a castle!”
Wario: “It's not my fault! Heh heh heh!”
Interviewer: “That's exactly what you said last time! OW! I'll say it again! Oh, yeah? Then what is that @#*% red stick doing behind the castle?”
Wario: “That's Mario after his diet!”
Interviewer: “But the penny had Mario on it!”
Wario: “I know. It's Mario's lucky penny.”
Peach: “Lucky penny? I still want one of those!”
Yoshi: “Yoshi!”
Bowser: “ROOOAAARRRR!!”
Wario: “Wow! A fake dimond!”
Interviewer: “Trying to change the subject again?”
Wario: “Last time I diddn't try to change the subject!”
Interviewer: “Yes you did!”
Wario: “Did not!”
Interviewer: “Police!”
Wario: “I think I'll eat some beans.”
Police: “Wario? Again?”
Wario: “Yup. It was me!”
*BRRRRRTT!!!*
Wario: Aaaaaahhhhhhh!!”
Interviewer: “P.U.!”
Wario: “My bruised bootie hurts!”

Wario Blows up the Roman Colusium just to find a penny!

Interviewer: Sooow. Way mett agin Wawreeeow. Wutt isssz dis?”
Wario: “The Colusium.”
Interviewer: “Snif-Wiy diid yeeow dow thees?”
Wario: “Why do I get blamed for everything?”
Interviewer: “Snort-snif-becuszsz, snif- you butt-slummed may, and yeeouh sent may a fart-bomb! Next you'll turd itoo boudsy Wario ad boudse od me!”
Wario: “Well, this time, it wasn't me!”
Interviewer: “Oh, yeah? Ded what's that @#*% black ball doig behid the Colusium?”
Wario: “That's my pet Bob-omb! Heh heh heh!”
Peach: “Yeah, right!”
Wario: “It's not my fault! Heh heh heh!”
Interviewer: “Then what's dat peddy doig in yer hand?”
Wario: “It's MY Lucky penny!”
Peach: “I gotta make one of those!”
Interviewer: “Police!”
Police: “Wario? I'm getti'n tired of this!”
*WHAM!*
Wario: “Ow!”
*BOING! BOING SPLAT!*
Wario: Oops. I squased the Interviewer!”

Wario Flies!

It's not my fault! Heh heh heh!” says greedy Wario.
“Oh, yeah?” says the Interviewer.
“Yeah!” says Wario.
“Police!”calls the Interviewer.
“Ity could take the police a while to get here!” says Wario.
“Awwwwwwww!” says the Interviewer.
“Ha!” says Wario.
“What?” says the Interviewer.
“Nothing.” says Wario.
“You blew up a pyramid, a castle, the Colusium, and now a bank!” says the Interviewer.
“And...” says Wario. “I spent the money.”
“On what?” says the Interviewer.
“Beans.” says Wario.
“W-What?” says the Interviewer.
“You heard me.” says Wario. “I've been eating beans all week!”
*Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt!*
“Aaarrrggghhh!!!”
“Wheeeeeeeeeee! Bye bye, Interviewer! I'm flying!”
“We shall meet again Wario!”

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Simian King
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PostSubject: Re: Wario's Terrible Crimes   Tue Aug 31, 2010 7:00 pm

This is hilarious XD Please do more
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PostSubject: Re: Wario's Terrible Crimes   Wed Sep 01, 2010 5:01 pm

What is this I don't even
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Laclipsey
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PostSubject: Re: Wario's Terrible Crimes   Tue Sep 14, 2010 1:40 am

Glad Simian finds it funny. Very Happy It's actually a relief. Till now these stories were just an inside joke between me and my friend ever since middle school, when these were written. And when we decided to post it here, I expected reactions like Ryu's. I\'m serious Well, you did ask for more, Simian. I dunno why, but you did. If your eyes rot in their sockets from reading these, then know you brought it on yourself. Razz




Chapter 2: Brrrrt

Well, here I am again to tell you all just how fat and horrible this man is. Really, no one needs telling, but Wario is just awful enough for me to continue this log. Words fail me when describing this man. My extremely unbiased opinion is that Wario is a fat, greedy, stupid, unhygienic, no-good, rotten, horrible, smelly, awful, unlikable disgrace to mankind. And I think even that’s giving him too much credit. I have tried for years to find a way to say what’s been bugging me about him ever since I met the man, and only now have I been able to find words to describe it. This is the conclusion I have arrived at based on extensive research, multiple interviews, personal experience, and eyewitness testimonies…
There is absolutely nothing worse than a Wario fart in your face.

-Interviewer-

Interviewer blows up Wario’s hideout on accident!

“It’s all your fault! Heh heh heh!”” says greedy Wario.
“Me? No! You blew up Peach’s Castle!” says the Interviewer.
“No, I diddn’t!” screams Wario.
“Oh, yeah?” says the Interviewer, pulling out the stick of dynamite. “Then how do you explain this? The @!*#& red stick!”
Wario: “Why do you keep bringing up the !)**# red stick? And I never seen that stick in my life. It’s always Mario after his diet! Duh!”
Interviewer: “And…… How do you explain this %#&@* black ball, hmmm?”
Wario: “That black ball tells nothing. It doesn’t have a fuse so ha ha on you.”
Interviewer: “Your talking like a stupid idiot.”
Wario: “And besides you cut off the fuse to hide your guiltyness so there! I’ve solved the mystery!”
Interviewer: “Ha, Wario! You couldn’t solve your way out of a paper bag!”
Wario: “Could, too!”
Interviewer: “Could not!”
Wario: “Oh, shut up and… Hey, wow! A fake piece of gold!”
Interviewer: “Quit trying to change the subject, idiot!”
*Cht! Swish! BOOM!*
Wario: “Missed me!” *GASP!* “Interviewer, you idiot! That was my hideout!”
Interviewer: “Oops.”
Wario: “#%*^@! you!”
Interviewer: “Who cares if I destroyed your hideout?”
Wario: “I do!! Prepare to die, Interviewer!!!!!!!!!!”
Interviewer: “It’s not my fault! Heh heh heh! Help! Police!”
*Hop SLAM!*
Wario: “Take that, Interviewer! OW! My small, attractive rump hurts!”
Police: “Hello, Wario. We’re taking you.”
Wario: “OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Hang on a sec! I’m eating some beans! Hunnnn…”
*Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt*
Wario: “Arrrgh!”
Interviewer: “PU!”
Wario: “OW! My bootie is on fire!! &%!@#in’ fart!”


Wario’s Disquise

???: “Hello. My name is Bob. And I want to tell you about my butt. After I met Jarigio, I…”
Interviewer: “No, you’re not Jarigio! You’re disgusting!”
???: “My name is Bob!”
Interviewer: “Whatever! You’re Wario!”
Wario: “OK. But, I diddn’t blow up your lucky microphone! It’s safe with me!”
Interviewer: “No! That’s a fake!”
Wario: “I diddn’t do it!”
Interviewer: “Yes, you did!”
Wario: “I diddn’t do it!”
Interviewer: “Quit denying it! You’re wearing a disquise!”
Wario: “I diddn’t do it!”
Interviewer: “Uh-huh!”
Wario: “I diddn’t do it!”
Interviewer: “Quit saying that!”
Wario: “OK, but I DIDDN’T DO IT!!!”
*BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT!*
Wario: “Biggest fart in history!”
Interviewer: “Eeew! Wario! P.U! P.U! P.U! We shall meet again, Wario!”
Wario: “I can live with that! Whee! I’m in the stratusphere!”


Stupid Wario

Wario: “It’s not my fault! Heh heh heh!”
Interviewer: “Hey, what happened to the heh heh heh?”
Wario: “Well, cause when I say heh heh heh it gives it away. So I really did the crime but I don’t want you to know that. OK?”
Interviewer: “OK. Yeah then what is that stupid green stick doing behind the candy store?”
Wario: “I painted it green to make you think it was Luigi, but it’s really a stick of dynamite but you’re not supposed to know that. OK?”
Interviewer: “OK.”
Wario: “Now back to the story. That’s Luigi!”
Interviewer: “But the chocolate coin had you on it!”
Wario: “Well, I had my face on the chocolate coin because I look good on a chocolate coin! But, you’re not supposed to know that. OK?”
Interviewer: “OK.”
Wario: “Back to the story again. I know. It’s my lucky chocolate coin. Ooo. A fake jelly bean.”
Interviewer: “Where? Where?”
Wario: “No, Interviewer. You’re suppose to say, ‘Don’t try to change the subject.’ Cause I’m really trying to change the subject. OK?”
Interviewer: “OK.”
Wario: “Now, back to the story for the millionth time!”
Interviewer: “That was only the third time, Wario! It only seems like a million!”
Wario: “OK! Just get back to the story!”
Interviewer: “Don’t try to change the subject!”
Wario: “We’re running out of pages. Let’s just get to the back of this page! Now, back to the story. I’m not!”
Interviewer: “OK. I’m sorry for blaming you.”
Wario: “I’m really trying to change the subject, and you’re supposed to know that!”
Interviewer: “Oh. OK. Back to the story. Oh, yes you are!”
Wario: “Am not!”
Interviewer: “Am too!”
Wario: “All right! But that was last week!”
Interviewer: “It was?”
Wario: “Yep. Now back to the story!”
Interviewer: “Tell someone who cares! What matters is you did it!”
Wario: “Oh, please don’t arrest me!”
“Interviewer: OK, Wario. You’ve told me all I need to know. Police!”
Police: “Wario! You’re committed a crime for the millionth time!”
Wario: “That wasn’t the millionth time! That was only the… millionth.”
Police: “Say goodbye, Wario!”
Wario: “Yippie! Bye!”
In the cop car:
*Brrrrrrt!*
Wario: “Hey, the stupid beans wore off! Where am I?! I’m in jail! Waaaahhhh!!!”


Wario is Hated

“I dident do anything heh heh heh!” Says evil Wario.
“OH yah” says the Interviewer. “Why dose everybody hate you? Listen to these people.”
Peach: “You idiot Wario you blew up my castle and took my magic peach.
Bowser: “He blew up my castle and took my lucky spiked shell Rooooaaarrrrr!”
Toad: “Boohoo he took my lucky mushroom and blew up my feild. Snif”
Mario and Luigi: “He stole our pyramid and castle and took our lucky pennys.”
Peach: “Lucky penny I should have bought one of those.”
Yoshi: “Yoshi he took my lucky egg and blew up my hom eand now I live in the rain.”
Donkey Kong: “He took my lucky banana and now I have kremlings in our house!”
Interviewer: “You see Wario everyone hates you. OH and the police are here. Police!”
Wario: “Oh please don’t arrest me!”
Police: Well we will Wario come with us.”
Peach Mario Luigi Bowser Toad Yoshi DK Interviewer: “Hoooorrrrraaaahhhh!”
“OH yah” says Wario “Yummy beans.”
Interviewer: “OH no!”
*Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt! And Hop Slam!*
Wario: “OW!”
Interviewer: “P.U P.U P.U P.U P.U!”
Wario: “Ow! My bruised booty is gone OH well goodbye.”
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Simian King
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PostSubject: Re: Wario's Terrible Crimes   Sat Sep 25, 2010 11:10 am

This is mind rottingly the same all the time XD

But funny
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PostSubject: Re: Wario's Terrible Crimes   Mon Oct 04, 2010 5:48 pm

funny I\'m happy meh alittle happy now
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